I’m a man. I’m a husband. I’m a dad. I’m a generous lover. I’m a writer. I’m a (mediocre but fast) golfer. I’m a traveler. I’m a drinker. I’m a smoker (cigars). I’m usually right (my wife might not agree). I’m politically moderate with a zero tolerance for bullshit. I’m pretty bald. I’m kind of gassy. I curse. I’m kind. I’m empathetic. Chicks dig me. I’m fascinated with death. I prefer raw and honest to glib and palatable. I like dogs. I had ripped abs in High School. I stopped looking after that. I sing so badly it hurts my girls’ ears. I notice when women get new haircuts. I don’t understand PMS. I live with three women. I must have been a woman in a prior life. I love depressing literature. I hate poetry. I love a perfect buzz. I despise hangovers. I’m adopted but I’m not hung up about it. I adopted a dog; she’s not hung up about it either. I believe people are too judgmental. I think Americans are behind the curve because we only speak one language and we don’t speak it very well. I wish I thought that way in High School, maybe my Spanish would help me do more than order beer. I dig gore, which is why I was front and center for both births. I want to witness a C-section in person. I have no rhythm, whatsoever. I despise politicians. I admire excellent leaders. I think technology is fun but it saps our time and is making us dumber. As annoying as kids can be, I’d lay down in traffic during rush hour in a lightning storm for mine. ISFSOA. I’m So Fucking Sick Of Acronyms, especially contrived ones created solely to be acronyms. I adore people that “get” life. I really don’t get reality TV. I think the Lifetime Network was created by satan. I think people that give their time and energy to charitable causes are much, much better people than I am. There is no worse person on the planet than a slow golfer, other than a bad tipper, other than a person that doesn’t thank you for holding open a door, other than any human that lives with an air of entitlement. I love donuts. I love pasta. I love pizza. Did I mention I had ripped abs in High School? I really think whatever happens after death will be fascinating. I really hope that something happens, otherwise I’m going to be really pissed I wasted so much time at my job. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be grumpy when I’m old. Farts are funny—they just are. There’s nothing better than great stand-up/improv, and there’s nothing worse than bad stand-up/improv. The same applies for tattoos. I think it’s important to balance your parenting identity and your personal identity. I think college is a liquor store with a 120,000% premium built in. I believe multiple versions of time exist concurrently. I believe in one of those versions I’m being fed grapes by my harem. I don’t understand polygamy—multiple spouses sounds like voluntary torture. I love rain. I don’t get astrology, fortune cookies, or physic hotlines—unless you are the one profiting from them. My dog is the only one that really gets me, including me. Imagination is the most under-appreciated quality in man. Daydreaming is the most under-appreciated pursuit.