sNip Tuck

After my second daughter came along, and I could see 40 lurking not-so-discreetly around the corner, MRS and I decided we’d caught our limit with our two girls. Neither one of us being exceptionally fond of any of the birth control options available, we were left with only one viable choice.

Yes kids, I referring to my Vasectomy.

Despite the true commonness of the procedure, and the legions of comrades I know who’ve preceded me into that most permanent of neutering, I entered into the fray drastically naive.

For those of you contemplating this action—rest assured—it really is not a big deal. There are, however, numerous little surprises that pop up (npi) during the procedure. And one very large surprise in the postoperative arena.

The Procedure:

• We start with a Valium IV. Very nice. I highly recommend this.
• We do the standard “here’s what’s going to happen” chat with the doc.
• I don’t know if this was a special case because I’m cute or if this is standard practice, but my doc did the whole thing solo. This included the dry shave on my scrotum that I would have been more than happy to take care of at home had I know. Ironically, the Valium buzz was so nice that a dry Bic on my nads from a man wasn’t even too unpleasant.
• Next comes the actual procedure. This consists of a two small sack incisions, a quick search for vas deferens #1 (the sperm tube), the vas deferens is tugged out through the incision and snipped (killing it’s special purpose), the VD is then cauterized (and yes, you can smell the burning ball vein), the now two-piece tube is then returned to the friendly confines and then the same thing happens to VD #2.
• A few stitches and I’m waddling back to the waiting room, a eunuch in need of a hug.

PostOp: Here comes the unexpected. And this comes right from the photocopied instructions from my Urologist.

• Remain in bed for a few hours and elevate your nut bag…blah, blah, blah.
• No vigorous work/sports for a couple weeks. Fine, no biggie.
• Tylenol…blah, blah, blah.
• You may have sex two weeks following the procedure. But remember you’re not considered infertile until we’ve seen two clean semen specimens two weeks apart. Good to know.
• (Here’s the big one, and I quote..)It generally takes 20-30 ejaculations over a four-week period following your two weeks of abstinence for the tubes to be free of sperm. When you think you have ejaculated 30 times, at six weeks after your vasectomy, bring in a specimen to the office within one to two hours after you have produced it by masturbation. Excuse me? Let me get this straight. I have to knock out 30 loads in twenty eight days and my balls feel like Pele just used them on a penalty kick.

The good news was that MRS committed to contribute to two of the thirty; leaving me only twenty-eight to take care of on my own. She may have exceeded expectations and assisted on three, I can’t remember.

And that’s it. I’m now free to fornicate with my wife once a month with 99.9% assurance that I won’t knock her up.