At the risk at attracting even more blog hits from nasty Google searches, here we go.
During a plane ride a few days ago I stumbled upon this article in Best Life: Can I Buy My Wife A New Va-Jay-Jay? “This year for Mother’s Day, why not give your wife….a new Vagina?” I wonder if Hallmark has any cards that go with such a gift?
Every dad has heard or said this common line during a chat with the fellas when someone has a pregnant wife, “How ’bout a couple extra stitches, doc?” It’s the generic joke that addresses man’s fear of being faced with having to make love to the female version of the Lincoln Tunnel. But, this article about designer vaginoplasty takes the discussion to a whole new level––imagining moms recreating the vagina of an 18-year-old.
The article is tongue-in-cheek; it’s pretty funny actually. But it brings to mind the ever-present problem I have with the modern state of being a woman. Hmmm. That doesn’t sound right.
As the papa of two lovely little ladies, it really pisses me off at what they’ll be faced with going forward––all the superficial bullshit women thrust upon each other. The never-ending search to “look good” and the evil campaign to make each other feel bad about each other’s bodies. And now, this Holy Grail-esq search for a teenaged vagina.
I can just hear the conversation, “Doc, I want the ass of a twelve-year-old boy, the tits of a Macy’s parade float, and the box of a pep squad girl.” Yeash. Where will it end? And women wonder why self-esteem is vaporizing across our national landscape.
Ladies, you need to take a page from our book. When we look at the cover of a Men’s Health mag, we don’t feel inadequate. We call the guy a douche and head to the nearest sports bar for some beer and wings. Fat and happy is our mantra. Our vanity goes no further than trying not to be the fattest guy at the pool––and making every attempt to position ourselves as close to the fattest guy as possible to benefit from the positive juxtaposition.
Now I’m not trying to be the obesity proponent. Since we started the McDad litter, I’ve increased my body mass by a good 25 lbs. and I definitely want to get rid of each one of them. But as anyone in my inner circle knows, I’m not exactly gripping about it. I haven’t gotten the lipo evaluation yet. I’m not downing Fen-phen. I’m enjoying yet another man-perk, caressing my sexy beer-belly and easing into my workout program––we’re now into month 4 of the planning process.
So, I guess what I’m saying is that instead of falling for the Hollywood trappings of designer vaginas, let start with a few sets of kegles and take it from there. Life’s too short. Sanity needs to make a comeback. And we men love you just the way you are.
Happy Mother’s Day!
McDad Related posts:
Posted by Xbox4NappyRash on May 9, 2008 at 4:28 pm
You mean I should RETURN my mother’s day gift and get my mum like flowers or something?
Posted by jason on May 9, 2008 at 4:28 pm
I recently saw something about designer vajayjays too. It was shocking and makes me fear ever having a daughter. They’re under so much pressure to achieve perfection. It’s ridiculous.
I’m extremely happy with my wife’s parts and there is no need to mess with it.
Posted by henitsirk on May 9, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Nice. I noticed a store at the mall today: Forever 21. I gave them a thumbs up for at least being honest about their marketing. Then I remembered old Mrs. Robinson, who was probably around my age, and smiled my way out of there.
Posted by above average joe on May 9, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I have begun to think the women are competing against other women, not for the affections of us guys.
Posted by Heather on May 9, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Huh. So there is a perk to having c-sections huh? I didn’t even know that I should be worried about that. Yuck. Not something I mull over with my breakfast that’s for sure.
I like the planning process of the workout program too.
Posted by Lucky Gem on May 9, 2008 at 9:14 pm
To be honest, I think the doctor did put a couple extra stiches…LOL!
Great post. Well said.
Posted by Ice Cream on May 9, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Women will start believing that men “Love us the way we are” when men stop looking at porn that shows women with fake boobs, shaved body parts, fake hair, anorexic bodies, etc. Sadly it is the truth. I’ve heard too many women say they want to be the “eye candy” for their husbands so that they will hopefully give up the porn. Now, if all porn was done using women like Edith from All in the Family then I’m sure women would be much more confident about their mommy bodies. =)
Posted by PG on May 9, 2008 at 9:24 pm
today’s sign the the apocalypse is upon us! yikes.
Posted by Aimee Greeblemonkey on May 9, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Whew. So glad I can cancel *that* appointment.
Posted by Corey on May 9, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Amen to that.
Posted by Whit on May 9, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Hey, if guys don’t like the tunnel they can always go the back way. It’s like a shortcut. Bit muddy though.
Posted by Penelope on May 9, 2008 at 11:52 pm
I knew there was something to be said about having 2 very tiny prem babies ;o)
Seriously though, you make a good point Mitch, it’s never ending. I try every day to tell my daughter that she is beautiful and hope to God that she doesn’t grow up feeling the need to do anything drastic to her body in order to conform to some imaginary “perfection”.
Posted by amanda on May 10, 2008 at 2:43 am
Hey Mitch, long time no see. Very funny post! I love the new pug too.
Did you ever get over to Italy for your wife’s birthday? Ciao
Posted by becky on May 10, 2008 at 4:26 am
And yet another thing to make mommies feel bad about themselves. Will it ever end? Nope will just get worse! I’m thankful that surgery does not apeal to me!
Posted by BOSSY on May 10, 2008 at 5:36 am
Vaginas are the new boob job.
Posted by Amber on May 10, 2008 at 5:44 am
I was just thinking about you yesterday because I had a Denver dad (Jolly Green Dad) email me about participating on MHM. Y’all are taking over!
And as for this past? Ugh. Reminds me of when a friend informed me a few months ago that she was in physical therapy. When I asked her what for, she said boldly, “My vagina.”
Sorry I asked.
Posted by PunditMom on May 10, 2008 at 6:22 am
Can I start with a pair of designer shoes first? And then I promise I’ll do the kegels!
Posted by Annie of Anniethology on May 10, 2008 at 8:29 am
“Superficial b@!!sh!t.” Truer words have not been said.
Posted by Annie of Anniethology on May 10, 2008 at 8:35 am
Speaking of…
Why has my perfectly coifed profile pictured been replaced with a pissy-looking cartoon geometric in the Think Tank? I’m going to have to look into that.
Posted by Lori on May 10, 2008 at 9:13 am
Good to know that I won’t need to spend our adoption tax credit on nether-plastic surgery. Score another point for adoption!
Great post, Mitch. And nice abs.
Posted by LiteralDan on May 10, 2008 at 9:44 am
Man, this makes my nonexistent vagina hurt just thinking about it. Leave it alone, ladies! No one wants to worry about breaking it.
Posted by (un)relaxeddad on May 11, 2008 at 1:23 am
Is mother’s day on a different day in the US? Or have I missed it again? If that’s the sort of present I’m expected to come up with, it’s probably just as well if I have…
Posted by Mooselet on May 11, 2008 at 4:22 am
I’ll stick with the flowers, thanks. I don’t like having pap smears, never mind the thought of a vag nip and tuck. Course I had 4 c-sections so my abdominals are shot to hell instead.
A happy Mother’s Day to Mrs. McDad!
Posted by yellojkt on May 11, 2008 at 6:32 am
Guys with sufficiently sized equipment don’t have these sort of post-pregnancy fears.
Just sayin’.
Posted by dobe on May 11, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I just can’t help but wonder what good a new one would do? I mean, I don’t get to see enough of the one we have now to get tired of it.
What’s wrong with just changing the window dressing a bit?
Posted by Amy on May 12, 2008 at 6:36 am
“all the superficial bullshit women thrust upon each other” —
True, but not the whole truth there cowboy.
Ice Cream and YelloJkt have EXCELLENT points.
Y’all contribute to this monster every single bit as much as we do it to ourselves.
I have a 19 year old so I’ve raised a girl in this mess. And to be honest, I’ve been relieved that she’s gorgeous. Sounds superficial but there is so much pressure about a million different things, at least she had this MAJOR thing au natural. One thing to check off needing therapy (or surgery) over. Sad but true.
Good post man!
Posted by Tater's Mom on May 12, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Well said. Self-esteem is where it’s at and I wish you so much luck in instilling a healthy dose of it into your girls!!
Posted by Worker Mommy on May 12, 2008 at 12:50 pm
You mean it was wrong for my husband to get me that coupon for a new vuh jay jay and anal bleaching.
Oops
Posted by Jenny, Bloggess on May 12, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I totally want a designer vagina but I’m not sure what that is. Is it perkier than mine? How does mine measure up?
These are the questions that haunt me.
Posted by Jeremy (Discovering Dad) on May 12, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Every time I open a magazine that my wife or teenage daughter reads, and skim through the pages, I end up shaking my head and getting stressed out. All I know is that there is way too many choices about what to do to decorate, enhance and optimize…you know…down there. Makes me want to invest in a good, old-fashioned chastity belt!
Posted by Lotta on May 12, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Let’s see…if I remember correctly my 16 year old vagina had no idea what to do with itself. I think I’ll stick with the current model.
Posted by Suburban Kamikaze on May 13, 2008 at 1:59 pm
RE: “…All the superficial bullshit women thrust upon each other.”
This is a majora bunch of hooey Mitch. Our only weakness for designer orifices is called “Prada” or sometimes “Birkin.”
SK
Posted by MileHighDad on May 13, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Wow, the McDad boldly going where no man dares to go, rebuiding the wife’s Va-Jay-Jay into an 18 year old’s. Man, you got cajones putting these two thoughts in the same sentence!
Speaking of designer vaginoplasty , Beyoncé offers a new line of clothing I saw on Joeprah,com; I wonder if she offers a Beyoncé Designer Va-Jay-Jay?
I speak only in fun here, and maybe adding fuel to your Google indexing powers!
I learned you McExist via Mile High Mammas of which I am a reader and Cre8Buzz where I am a Buzzer and thought it high time to see what you are all about, again I post this in fun! Can I add you to my BlogRoll?
MileHighDad
http://www.milehighdad.com
Posted by MammaLoves on May 14, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Thank god men have daughters. Without them, they’d probably think this was a terrific idea.
Love you McDad!!
Posted by joeflirt on May 15, 2008 at 5:49 am
I held off commenting initially because I wanted to see how many responses similar to Ice Cream’s came up. Mostly because that is the easiest “excuse” women always give in response to this… to paraphrase “it’s mens fault… because men like porn” Yeah, well men like beer too, why don’t you install a tap and a keg in your mid-section?
In the end men get to reap both the benefits and the destructive effects of things done “because” of what women have decided men “want” Forget fantasize… because, that is all fantasizing is… fantasy. I may have fantasized about a women like Christy Brinkley (am I showing my age?), but I certainly don’t want the reality of a psycho-woman that goes through husbands like Linsey Lohan goes through rehab centers.
Posted by ourcrookedtree on May 15, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I have to agree with “ice cream”
and thank god I have boys
Posted by Friday Foccacia : Triple Venti on May 16, 2008 at 10:12 am
[...] pounds and tell her she needs to loose a few pounds? My dear friend Mitch McDad caught a bit of flack on this post when he said women do this for women and not for men. But I have to say, that I agree. There is [...]
Posted by Kenny B on May 18, 2008 at 3:47 pm
The ass of a 12 year old boy? Mitch, you’ve finally made me uncomfortable. As for designer vaginas, I don’t even know what to say. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but that might be going a little too far.
Posted by Dawn on May 19, 2008 at 5:53 am
I’m with you – I’ll also be positioned by the fattest guy at the pool.
Posted by the weirdgirl on May 20, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I’m actually cool with my old, sagging vagina. I would just like some sex drive back. Who sells that?
Posted by Ron BMT on May 30, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I think the comments on this were even funnier than the post. Awesome.
Posted by Jane on June 6, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Fine. I’ll buy a new vagina when my husband realizes that dangling a towel off his manhood after a shower isn’t considered foreplay.
Posted by Amber on April 28, 2009 at 7:23 am
Atta boy! Finally a man who likes us the way we are!!