After a particularly long weekend with my girls–enduring princess movies ad nauseam and an extraordinary cacophony of high pitched shrieking that perpetually ricocheted off our walls and into my brain–I now sit in my favorite chair sipping a refreshing Tanqueray and tonic and composing a nice list of things we dads could all use after a rough stretch with the kids.
DADDY’S LITTLE HELPER LIST
1) Said cocktail–or any cool refreshment that gets you to a happy place.
2) Intravenous Valium (see my vasectomy post for alternate use on this treatment). The perfect delivery system for instant nirvana.
3) A nice 1 hour massage is always a nice release–happy endings not available at all locations.
4) An evening at a “gentleman’s club.” Warning–could worsen frustration levels.
5) An hour in a dark basement with a black light and Pink Floyd oozing out of some really kickin’ speakers. Works better in the 80’s.
6) Road Trip: anywhere with anyone. Nothing like the open road.
7) A good haircut: now those of you fully coiffured gents might take this little pleasure for granted but you shouldn’t. I recently hit my friend’s joint for a nice buzz followed by scalp/shoulder rub. Ahhhhh. Quite lovely.
8 ) Get off the grid. Power down the lapper, the PDA, the iPhone, the Wii, 
the flat screen, and the iPod. Go to the library, Barnes and Noble, or just pull out an old favorite, and read a book. Read it slowly, lapping up the blissful imagery. I’m going with an old favorite of mine, tonight.
9) Submerge yourself: pool, pond, ocean, river, bath–I don’t care. Just get wet.
10) Man up and go back for more. In the blink of an eye they will be too cool to want to spend time with us and we’ll yearn for the days when they drove us crazy. Sometimes when the going gets tough, it’s best to just revel in it.
Posted by Jason on January 6, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Great list. I’d love the opportunity to do any one of them. Highly unlikely anytime soon.
Posted by Paige on January 6, 2008 at 9:59 pm
I hear you dude. I spent part of this weekend listening to an ongoing loop about how skunks are stinky and you need to have tomato juice baths if they spray you. Hours and hours of this…cute, and yet Calgon, wherefore art thou?
Posted by henitsirk on January 7, 2008 at 7:16 am
All of my parenting wishes have been distilled into 4 little words:
grand.parents.next.door.
Posted by Aimee Greeblemonkey on January 7, 2008 at 7:39 am
Ha. You boys.
And P.S. Bryan drinks Tanqueray and Tonic.
Posted by Heather on January 7, 2008 at 8:39 am
My husband always acts like he’s just exhausted after being with the kids all weekend. He needs a beer.
Apparently when I watch the kids all the rest of the time it’s a cakewalk.
I like your number 10 the best.
Nice use of the word cacophony. I don’t think it’s used enough really.
Posted by NoahsMom on January 7, 2008 at 9:38 am
noah just slung his cup at me covering me in juice…im sure this is NOT the *wet* you were reffering to…
someone bring on the valium drip…..
Posted by jakelliesmom on January 7, 2008 at 9:38 am
I’m going to keep this on file for the next time my other half takes over full-time parent duty. He sat guard for three days last week and has taken nearly the same amount of time to recover. It was the first time I heard him wistful about going back to work after a “vacation.”
Posted by Jeff on January 7, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Does it count if you download your favorite book into your iPod and then read THAT offline?
Oh, and Pink Floyd works the best when used with a certain “enhancer.” So I’ve been told.
Posted by Redneck Mommy on January 7, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Um, what’s a gentlemen’s club?
Kidding.
Great list.
Posted by (un)relaxeddad on January 8, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I walk past a gentleman’s club on the way to work most days (if anything using the word ‘Rhino’ can be associated with the word ‘Gentleman’). The two large, bullet-headed gentlemen dressed in black at the door never look terribly relaxed…
Posted by Nola on January 8, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Love it! I’d need some defrag too after a weekend of princess movies!
Posted by Catherine on January 9, 2008 at 8:22 pm
I’m my husband’s official barber. And yet he never lets on that it’s such a treat to have his hair cut. I even offer up the massage afterwards!
hmmm…. maybe I need to offer up a cocktail and some Pink Floyd as well?
Posted by MrJourneyman on January 11, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Hey McDad – I stumbled upon your site via BusyDad….
You are a great writer – your posts rock! I became a dad 3 months ago, but I still love your list!
I look forward to reading more.
Take care – have a great weekend!
MrJourneyman (from His2Dads)
Posted by Ice Cream on January 21, 2008 at 2:04 am
Road trip anywhere with anyone? Does that include an 8 hour road trip with kids to go see your mother in-law? Yeah, you might want to rethink the wording on that one. =)