This is dedicated to all you new and almost new dads.
Needless to say, if your lady is on board with nourishing your child from the melons-of-life, count your blessings. Sure you may have to submit to a handful of keep-her-company 3AM feedings, just to show you really do care. But as the weeks slog by and you sense she needs you to tough it out with her one more time, you’ll do what we all do: roll over and go back to your date with Carmen Electra in Dreamland. If she’s smart, and she probably is, she’ll counter your man-ness by engaging in one of the most unsettling activities imaginable: Pumping.
Pumping was invented by an evil feminist in an attempt to deprive us hard-working men of our sleep. To rid us of this line of bull, “I’m sorry honey, I wish I could interrupt my peaceful sleep to feed the violently screaming baby. I’d do it for you if I could.” Well thanks to the pump, now you can. The reality is: feeding your baby is pretty cool. The second reality is: watching your wife pump is fairly disturbing. Warning! If you plan on lusting after her in the near future, don’t watch her play dairymaid. It’s a tough image to pry loose. By this point in the procreation process you’ve already seen things that no man really needs to see. There’s a good reason we used to be exiled to the waiting room with our cigars. Witnessing a vagina reconfigure itself from it’s familiar…well…you know, into some bizarre, twenty-five times its normal size, science-fiction style, baby expeller is something that defies the boundaries of physics and logic. If you haven’t seen it, it’s really a waste of time trying to describe it. Trust me. And movies don’t do it justice. The only thing more mind-blowing is what I call the car-wreck of childbirth. The last thing you could ever expect. The thing that once you see, you can never forget.
A delicacy in some cultures…
I remember after our first baby was born. She was all cleaned up and swaddled like a perfect little burrito. She was dwarfed in my arms as tears streamed down my face. Then I glanced over to my wife as the doctor returned to what I call the Red Zone, or if you prefer, The Crease (pick you favorite sports metaphor). Either way, it’s the triangular air space between the stirrups. With my vision slightly blurred from the tears, I managed to focus on the – new – most indescribable thing I’ve ever seen. Those of you who have made my same mistake know I’m referring to the PLACENTA. Nobody tells you about the placenta, but they should. Warning #2: Yucky description ahead. Imagine a gnarled up, four-pound, crimson and purple, veiny, London broil. Now imagine this gloppy blob come flying out of the same sacred canal that your baby just came from, along with pints of equally nasty fluids. And here’s the fun part. The doctor needs to essentially reconstruct the placenta to make sure it’s all accounted for. Kind of a vaginal “no child left behind,” policy. I was mesmerized.
The second time around, I had the presence-of-mind to take a photograph. I have a photo widget on my iMac that randomly frames pictures of the kids and stuff. Needless to say, MRS wasn’t too pleased when the placenta close-up rocked her world one day. She deleted it. Fortunately I have the photo on my laptop, too. I’d put it on the blog but I think she’d kill me. If you are morbidly curious, click on the link above to see someone else’s placenta ((though my photo is way gnarlier(I know that’s not a word)).
Back on track
Considering I started out intending to write a Breast v. Formula essay, I suppose I should get to it.
Here’s the deal. Women get a lot of pressure to breast-feed. But there are plenty of reasons not too, such as: baby can’t clamp on, nipples are too big, mom’s just not down with it (more common than you would think), mom has to go back to work, adoption, various health situations, etc. Bottom line. Don’t sweat it. There is nothing wrong with formula. I don’t think I ever had a drop of breast milk and I turned out fairly normal…well, normal enough. And after one pumping session, my wife said, “screw this,” and we became a formula house. Our kids are fine. Sure, breast milk is nature’s smoothie, but don’t let the gangs of radical Earth Mamas scare you into thinking your baby will suffer without it. Just be prepared to drop some major dinero on the stuff. Make sure you hit up your pediatrician for as many free samples as you can finagle.
To summarize on Beast v. Formula: I’m pro-choice. Sorry. Didn’t mean to get all political.
And for you new guys heading into the delivery room for the first time, or you veterans who have yet to have the stones or court vision in prior deliveries: Go ahead and check out the placenta. I dare you!
Posted by Momo on December 8, 2006 at 2:31 am
Okay, fine! The score is 1-1: you offered me a disgusting perspective of a childbear and what it follows and I scared you enough about daughters attitude towards dads!LOL
Seriously…very interesting article…now that you started, keep on going on this path!
Posted by Peter on February 28, 2007 at 10:13 am
I gotta go with the breast. Formula babies smell different and pumping is such a pain that my wife gave up on it allowing me the priviledge of rolling over.
I refer to child birth as a train wreck.
Posted by whit on February 28, 2007 at 11:06 am
Obviously boobs are the way to go, but we ducked out on Thing 2 pretty quick. My wife just couldn’t take it.
Posted by Sarah on February 28, 2007 at 2:20 pm
I’m pro-choice on this too. Well, pro-choice on the part about breast v. formula. I feel that parents tend to make the decision they feel is best for them and their children, and it’s no place of mine to compare the decision I make to the one they make. Different people, different circumstances, different different different. Float, boat, you know the drill.
I’m not as pro-choice on the taking pictures and home videos of the birthing process and of the placenta. When I was “welcomed” into Boyfriend’s family, they let me know they cared by showing me all the films and picture clips from the nieces’ and nephews’ births. At which point I absolutely forbid Boyfriend from EVER taking photographs or video footage of my vagina, the placenta, and whatever else when we have children.
Posted by azgreeneyes on February 28, 2007 at 2:47 pm
I pumped (and pumped and pumped , you get thi picture) when my first was born. He was in NICU, and I couldn’t breastfeed because they had to measure his intake of food, to supplement if neccesary. By the time he was released, he must have thought my boobs were monsters! No way was he gonna do THAT! Formula baby #1. Daughter, I just gave up. I had a 3 year old, and we were living with my in-laws while our condo was being redone, and I was so stressed and tired that there was no way I was fighting with her (Really, my boobs must resemble a monster to a new born!) Both of them have turned out just fine, and in fact, sometimes to smart for their own good!
Posted by Denver Dad on February 28, 2007 at 3:06 pm
I have to stop reading your blog when I’m in the office, because it’s getting harder and harder to come up with explanations for why I’m laughing my head off at my desk.
My wife decided she wanted to do a “water birth” and got what she wanted, since she was in charge of making many of the decisions regarding the actual birth of our child (hey… YOU argue that your opinion means something in this debate!). Everything went well. We had a “magical” birth, according to our dula and many of the nurses there. Once the baby was out, mom moved to the bed, and I went with the baby to the little check out area on the other side of the room. All was wonderful and heartwarming. Pictures were taken. Tears fell.
After all the miracle of life stuff, I decided that I needed to use the bathroom, where we had the water birth in the giant tub. So, I go in, shut the door, turn on the light and… it looked like the Evil Dead in there. Seriously. There was stuff everywhere. In the tub, on the floor, on the walls. And, the placenta was left in the sink. Who the heck puts a placenta in a sink?
I still have nightmares. They don’t make horror movies that terrible.
My wife is amazing. I never forget that.
Posted by LA Daddy on February 28, 2007 at 5:26 pm
When LA Mommy was giving birth I told myself, “If you ever want to go back there again with a woody, don’t look.” But she had a hard time expelling Baby Girl and… well, I had to look… just as she was being born. But I managed to not catch anything else. And the Little Man is still happy and excitable. God, a picture? Really? She would have struck me dead where I stood had I even raised a camera…
Posted by JayMonster on February 28, 2007 at 7:19 pm
I am pro-choice, but only to the degree I wouldn’t want somebody fretting over it if mother’s milk for whatever reason couldn’t be done. But I sort of end it there. My wife pumped because she was too afraid of our daughter not getting enough and of course not being able to measure her intake.
This also meant I was able to get up at 3AM for feedings, which I did. And was happy I did. I would trade that sleep to do it all again as well.
But back to mother’s milk. There are reasons why after the “freedom” of Formula that so many have gone back to nursing. It is the best thing for the child. Study after study confirms it. So, while it is certainly a choice in a pinch, it is not one I think should be considered for convenience.
Posted by pageantmom on February 28, 2007 at 8:45 pm
I didn’t think it would be for me, but I actually enjoyed nursing. I didn’t really plan on it one way or another, just kept an open mind and gave it a shot – if it worked, great, if not, I figured plenty of babies grew up okay on formula. Little did I know I would be the ultimate feeding machine. What a flippin’ mess!!! I could have fed quintuplets!!! That said, I was lucky my husband was really cool about it and didn’t freak or anything…
About that other goo, no thanks – neither one of us could look!! (gutless wimps we are!!) Of course, I’m the Mom who got up from the Lamaze video to throw up because I was sooo grossed out …. (and no, I’m not proud of that either…)
Posted by Kimmie on February 28, 2007 at 8:49 pm
Good heavens, Mitch! Now I remember (which i so didn’t want to do) why I haven’t had children…I was there when my mama had my youngest sister ( i was 13). Talk about scaring the hell out of a young teenager. Everyone was laughing and crying and all that stuff, yeah, they had a frickin audience of family and friends at the home birth cuz no one of that age group (back then) had ever seen one of their children born…so my parents being the happy hippies they were shared all…anywho, everyone’s all happy and I’m sure my face could’ve stopped a train in its tracks. No seriously, it’s not really why I haven’t had children…it just wasn’t in the cards for me earlier in life and now it’s all but impossible. But I’m happy to play Auntie for any little kiddies in the family now :~)
Posted by yellojkt on March 1, 2007 at 5:26 am
My son didn’t take to the teat, so I got stuck doing 3 am feedings from day one. Fortunately, I can get back to sleep very easily, so it worked out great. Somehow I missed out on catching the placenta. Not that I feel I missed anything.
Posted by Jeff on March 1, 2007 at 7:46 am
When my first one was born the doctor tried to hand me the scissors and asked me if I wanted to cut the umbilical cord. I said, “Uh, no thanks. That’s kind of what YOU get paid to do thank you.”
Apparently some dads think that’s special.
Posted by Kate on March 1, 2007 at 9:23 am
Great post considering you’re a guy! I actually loved my pump. But mostly because I could still breastfeed when I went back to work. But also because we could alternate who fed the baby when he was a newborn and I needed more than like 2 hours of sleep at a time. Sorry, but I wasn’t going to let my husband get off the hook totally!
My son is finally weaning off the formula now that he’s been on since I quit pumping, and what a savings! The stuff is so overpriced.
Posted by Mooselet on March 1, 2007 at 3:06 pm
I won’t go into detail about all my kids (4 in total) but my latest (and last) just was not interested in my boobs so I wasn’t making any. I tried expressing milk – my OB called it the “cow pump” – to combine with his formula and with the help of some meds I finally had enough for Clive. He still wanted a bottle so I tried to continue pumping at home… with 3 other kids at home… and with a very active three year old. Went for the formula full time very shortly after rather than continue to stress about it. And it’s a good thing because the boy is a pig! I’d have to duct tape him to my chest if he wasn’t on formula.
The Hermit was not liking the childbirth films he had to sit through in order to prepare him for my c-section. Although he did cut the cord on both of the kids after initially refusing, but he simply refused to look beyond the screen at what they were doing with the placenta.
Posted by (un)relaxeddad on March 2, 2007 at 2:42 pm
What an amazing post! And what a great chain of comments! We missed out on a lot of the entertainment.due to 30 hours of labour followed by an epidural followed by an emergency C-section. I did look back from where the protesting dudelet was being measured and prodded and wrapped in a towel and it was an interesting sight – never expected to see my partner’s intestines in public.
Posted by tori on March 4, 2007 at 1:07 pm
With my first I went into it with the whole “I’ll try it” and see if it works kind of mindset. My first baby never took a bottle ever. The twins were just exhausting me, so we switched to formula after two months. My last baby never had a bottle. I think all that matters is that a person does what works for their family. That being said, I think both sides of the “breast only” and “formula only” need to just back off. Women have a hard enough time feeling like they are doing anything right with raising their children, and I don’t think we need one more thing to be judged for! Great post…I only had c-sections, so my husand and I didn’t have to see any of the gross stuff…although my husband watched my entire first c-section and said it was the coolest thing he ever saw.
Posted by AdventureDad on March 10, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Everyone knows breast-feeding is the best you can osibly do when having the baby. But just like you I also realize there are situations where it’s not working ut as it should. I hate hate the breast-feeding nazi’s who can’t even stand the thought of someone no breastfeeding. Our son was breastfed 12 months and that worked ut grat. Our daughter (she’s 7 months now) seems to enjoy boobies too so we will try to breast-feed 1 months as well.
the only thing I hate about mothers who don’t breast-feed are people who an uneducated choice. I’ve heard many reasons of why women don’t want to breast-feed and most of them are BS. If you don’t want to do it but don’t do it for reasons that are completely false and stuid. Boobs will not fall off, child will not get more cancer, infections and disease will not increase with boobies, and baby will not grow up skinny and retarded because he/she only had boobie for a while. You won’t believe what people believe.
I’m pro-choice but hope most choose to breast feed since it’s best for the baby.
Oh, i was never brave enough to take a photo of the pacenta but did take many during teh delivery. They are definitely r-rated since there is more blood than in te worst horror movie. Not something i want to make public
Nice weekend
Posted by AdventureDad - Doing The Unthinkable => Having Children AND Having Fun » Saying Thank You on March 12, 2007 at 9:30 am
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