Mitch McDad’s World the moments of bliss far outweigh the hours of agony

As far as I can remember since I started this blog I have never written directly about penis size. Sure, I imagine I’ve made numerous penis references, but I’m pretty damn sure I’ve never dedicated an entire post to penis–that is, until today.

Why? You ask. Well I suppose the credit goes to my little Lulu (3 1/2). She and her sister take swimming lessons and Lulu was very chatty about her progress today since I promised to make my first appearance at the pool to witness the progress in person. In her excitement, Lulu began to machine gun everything she could think of regarding her swimming experiences to me, including the all-important rules–the most important, in her eyes, “No pee-pee in the pool.” That’s a good rule for sure, but, as a parent, maybe not number one on my list.

Lulu then decided to rat-out a little boy in her class for going pee-pee in the shower. Still early, my brain took a second to process this information until I realized that the little boy must have been getting hosed-off at one of the open showers located next to the pool. Clearly his mom or dad had this little fella stripped down to his birthday suit, for how else could Lulu have known he was peeing, and for that matter, how else could Lulu have been able to transition this discussion to the disturbing turn that it took.

I don’t remember exactly what Lilly said next, I’ve tried to block this memory, but I’ll paraphrase the rest of the conversation, “That’s gross, you’re not ‘apossed to pee in the shower.” “No you’re not.” “And I could see his hiney, daddy. His hiney was bigger than yours.” (Note: After my initial confusion, I sadly realized that Lulu calls all private parts, “hiney.”) “I mean, Daddy, your hiney was bigger than his.”

Now there are so many possible reactions to this brief exchange. First and foremost for me was the instant relief that I indeed did beat a presumed three-and-a-half-year-old in a penis size contest. Thank God. Of course, that exuberance is quickly dampened when one considers the fact that to beat a three-and-a-half-year-old in a penis size contest, one needs to be entered (albeit unwillingly) in said contest. Another source of concern is that the contest was seemingly close enough that there was momentary confusion as to who the winner actually was. Not a wonderful feather in my cap to say the least.

Now some might pose a question regarding my daughter’s ability to make such a comparison, and in this regard I urge those concerned not to be gross. In the McDad house we are neither nudist, nor prudes, and sitting somewhere in between leaves plenty of chance encounters. Most of my exposures stem from the annoying layout of the master bedroom that leaves the master bath without a door, like many modern homes. I do my best to enforce some level of privacy in my castle, but in a castle full of princesses, my edicts are often ignored. These days if one of the girls wanders into the bathroom when I’m in the shower I simply urge them to, “get the hell out of here,” and thus, my privacy levels have been steadily improving.

I remember joking with friends on the subject of naked daddies and daughters and when one had to end that openness. The solution needed was that line of demarcation somewhere between having your wife pass the baby into the shower to you and the point where you are urging them to, “get the hell out of here.” One friend, someone a few years ahead of me kid-wise, suggested that the line was drawn for him one day when his daughter reached up and grabbed the dangling item in question–a treat I, thankfully, have managed to avoid.

I imagine there is much research on this subject, research I’m sure I will never be bothered to examine since I think nudity might be one of the most odd hang-ups we have. That being said, we are far from nudists in my house, so I guess that makes nudity hang-ups relative. But hang-ups aside, I now have a new reason to implore a more modest domestic environment. You never know when your daughter will enter you in a penis contest with a three-year-old. Sure I won this time, but I’d much rather retire un-defeated than risk what could only be the most humiliating defeat in history.